kate

i know i'm not supposed to believe in palm readers or psychics. and i suppose 99% of the time i don't. but...that 1% can sometimes sneak in, and leave me wondering. because:

when i was 25 i was eating at an outdoor cafe in los angeles with a few friends. a woman walked by us on the sidewalk, then stopped, turned around, and came back. she stood over our table,
"i'm sorry to intrude", she said, "but would you mind letting me read your palm?" she said to me.
"oh...no...no thank you"
"ok. i will respect your choice, but you should know that when i walked past your table i was overwhelmed with the desire to read a palm, and when i turned around, i saw that it was yours i need to read."
i was smiling politely, wondering how to turn her away...again. but my 3 friends were encouraging me to let her do it.  so i did.

holding my palm she said, "you'll get married twice, the first time to have kids, & the second time to your soulmate that you will meet in your 40's. your first baby will be a 'moon baby'" she continued, "he will be a boy, and will be very calm & easygoing. he will bring you much peace. he will be your comforter. your second baby, i can't tell if it is a boy or a girl, but this baby will give you a run for your money. this baby is very difficult for you. but in the end, you will have a very karmic relationship with this child."

by this time in her reading, i was barely paying attention. at 25, NONE of what she said my future held, was what i had in my master plan. NO WAY was i waiting till i was 40 to find my soulmate, and i certainly wasn't getting married twice, or having any sons. for sure no sons.

i said, thank you, wished her well, and giggled with my friends as she left.

fast forward 15 years, and...it's all come true. wierd, right?

all except 1 thing: she said my second baby would be 'difficult', and that's clearly not accurate. because my second baby, which turned out to be a girl, is tremendously, exceedingly, exceptionally, instensly, almighty, difficult.

seriously.

heidi had a dream that i showed up at her door with piper. i said, 'hey guys, i know you really want to have another baby....do you want this one?"  they said ummmmm, sure, and took her in and named her kate. so now that's our code word for her utmost naughtiest. as in: when i want to sit down and google "orphanges las vegas", instead i can just call heidi and say, "can kate come to your house for awhile?" or if i need to explain to someone in my family the intensity of any given day and why i will be bailing on something, i can just say, "we have kate x 10 today", and even once my dad opened his front door to a doorbell ring, and found "kate" standing there, alone, as my car wheels screeched out of the neighborhood. no further explanation needed.  it's so efficient. you know?

so the last 40 months of my life have been spent trying to work with my now 1.5 year old daughter. yes, even in her pre-utero days she was a rebel. we're all, always, on high-alert here at the stewart house, and i can't help but think back to my march 8, 2009 entry and wonder if i'm not a little psychic myself. i actually did not realize that i wrote that entry on the EXACT same day as today until i looked it up just now. how....apropos.

 
 

dear pickles,

as much as you seemingly dont want me, or anyone else, to, i love you. i know you don't believe you have the time for hugs, or cuddles, or quiet times together, but you really do. you have SO many minutes and hours and days ahead of you, and as your mother i feel a great weight of responsibility to teach you, to somehow convince you, that there is much reward in quiet times. in stillness. in putting down your battle-ax. just...for a moment. you're going to need this know-how.

as amused as i am at watching you arrive somewhere new (or any room, or pretty much anywhere different from where you were 2 minutes ago) scan the scene, and formulate your unyielding agenda, i'm also exhausted by it. even trying to help you with what you want somehow ends in tears. (mine)  i fall asleep earlier since you've been on the scene, and my last thought, as i drift away, is brainstorming new 'techniques' to survive you tomorrow.

we square off each morning, both of us refreshed and ready to push & pull the stick between us. sometimes i wonder if i shouldn't just give in. wonder if i'm sisyphus in this negotiation. but, you should know, i've a bit of my own joan of arc still pumping, albeit faintly, in my heart.

yeah, sorry, you didn't get a "choose-your-battles" type mom. i know that even if you were able to, you wouldn't believe me now, but this is a true stroke of luck on your part: because i firmly believe that giving in to you may bring us a more peacuful co-existence today, but would leave you focused on 'winning' all the wrong things. 

so feel free to continue on as you see fit. i've read dozens of books, searched the internet, interviewed countless other moms, i've been on my knees. your brother prays for your enlightenment every night. i'm ready for whatever you got.

but your time is limited, because, eventually, you WILL learn to use your confidence, agresssion, independence, resourcefulness, observantness and, yes, even your manipulative & stubborn -ness...

for good.

not evil.

and i'll be right here, keeping my eye on the "karmic relationship" ball we have coming. 

until then,

love,

mom.

 

Comments

[Michael]

Wait, so Kate means naughty? That makes so much sense. Talia's middle name is Kate! I named her after my favorite actress Kate Hepburn who by the way was known as being a "handful"

When she is naughty I will call her Kate too. Later in life I will explain that I always wanted her to be Kate as an Adult but not as a child. I wonder if she'll appreciate that.

[Camie]

i agree with your mom!

[mom]

perfect. you really are gifted and need to be published.