all christmas fesitivities came to a screeching halt.
i popped 3 ribs out in my back.
i want to say that it was from doing a wild jig with the sexy santa. or something equally worthwhile, liking doing some hard-core garage cleaning. something i could at least respect.
i really did it by putting a baseball in a pair of pantyhose, putting the pantyhose on my head, and swinging the ball around trying to knock down 8 bottles of water. remember the sophisticated work christmas party? yeah. cause i don't already get enough mocking at work for being so OLD.
at first i didn't know what had happened. my back was hurting and i thought it was just from 48-hours of straight partying. but by the end of the party, whenever someone hugged me, and there suddenly seemed to be an inordinate amount of hugging going on, it would literally take my breath away it hurt so bad. i literally couldn't talk for 10-15 seconds. later i found out that was because hugging was pushing my loose ribs into my lungs. cool, huh?
by 1am i had taken every possible drug combination i had in my house, and was rotating between a heating pad and a bag of frozen edamame.
by 2am levi was in my bed, i know, what a surprise, and was sitting up watching me attempt, unsuccesfully, to get back on the bed every 3-5minutes.
"mommy, are you ready to try again?"
"no. AAAHH! no. i can't AAAAAH! do it."
"yes you can. just try. just try mommy."
"AAAAHHH!"
little did i know that those pesky ribs were pushing out onto the main muscle in my back, and were....annoying it. so it was spasming every 30 seconds or so, just to make sure i remembered its complaint. did you know that when your back muscle spasms it literally stops you in your tracks? that you literaly cannot move. you can, however, yell, AAAAHHH! true story.
by 3am i cried uncle and called my parents'. my parents love getting calls in the middle of the nite from one of their daughters who can't breathe enough to actually talk. i pretty much just croaked out, "come.over.gotta.go."
i let this go on for about 36 hours. i'm an optimist that way. but eventually went to the dr., who immediately upon feeling the "bulges" in my back that my mom kept talking about,
"will you try to rub my ah!ah!ah! back and make it stop AH! spazing? ah!ah!ah! don't touch me. ok, sorry, try again. ah!"
"candice, there's bulges all over your back...."
"ah! i know. cause my back ah!ah!ah! really hurts. ah! sorry. ok don't touch me anyAH!more"
knew what was wrong.
he popped my ribs back into my spine. disgusting right? but within 2 hours i returned to some semblance of a normal person. or at least wasn't spontaneously screaming out.
he said i shouldn't swing any more balls around with my neck. great tip.
i've been trying to decide how humiliated i really want to be. because there's pictures of the scene of the crime. or, as my mom would say: the beginning of my tragic incarceration.
heidi says you don't keep secrets from your journal.
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