80 days ... and counting

as the day of my womb retirement grows closer i'm feeling a wierd mixture of relief, swiftly followed by a hefty dose of anxiety.

funny thing: when i was pregnant with levi i wasn't "nervous" at all -- no anxiety whatsoever. and i feel like i skipped over all the stereotypical first-time-mom characteristics. i was just so happy to have him here.

finally.

we just immediately fell into a happy, easy-going, co-existance.  granted, it didn't hurt that he was such a content and happy little baby and has continued to grace me with his good nature. but either way, i felt prepared to have him in my life.

so what is this pit of worry in the center of my bulging belly everytime i think about the impending arrival of our newest family member?  80 days, for sure, is not exactly a short time period. but considering the fact that levi snuck out of his comfy, gravity-free home 45 days early, i have to be open to meeting my daughter much sooner than my "your pregnancy, week by week" book tells me i'm going to.

i've pondered this source of discontent for many moons, and my best guess is this: i'm feeling oldest child guilt for my oldest child.  i'm about to displace him as the sole-heir to the center of my world. the one claimant to all my  personal time. the lone-occupier of my thoughts. my only child.

i had these feelings when i first got pregnant. i was SO happy to get the "2-pink-lines-pass-go", AND overcome with a feeling of guilt at the same time -- because my "free time" i used all up on him was already so limited. how could i cut it in half?

but then i got busy and distracted with the task of building a human. putting little pieces together here and there, day by day, and all the sordid side effects that go with constructing a new life. for months i've gotten a star on my chore chart just for waking up. 2 stars if i also walk around. survival is the goal. leaving no room at the inn for any other thoughts or feelings...for awhile. 

but now, every morning at 6:30 when those chubby feet pound running across wood floors from his room to mine, it creeps in.  we have a requsite tradition of staying in my bed until at least 7am. we cuddle, we sing, we count, we talk about potential "policemen" or "motorcyles" that may be driving by and where they are going -- or whatever other current affair we feel like discussing.  all the while the empty baby crib sits in my eye's view, and makes me wonder how long these precious mornings can last. i mean, what if she's the type that wants to start eating and living the moment her eyes are open? what if she feels like lounging on pillows and comforters acknowledging every plane that flys overhead is a waste of one's life? 

and then the worry pit widens. and i can barely make it through "popcorn popping" without letting out the lump in my throat.

i know, i know.  it all sounds so selfish and whiney for someone who so desperately and ardiously worked to become pregnant.  and the "dis" of sorts to my unborn baby is not lost on me. i can only explain it by saying that what dr. christine herman from my pregnancy book said, "pregnancy is one of the three periods in a woman's life when there seems to be a lowering of the ability to cope with the emotional experiences of life..."

see? it's totally out of my doing.

thousands and thousands of people do it every day. have additional children i mean. and they seem to really LIKE it. even, LOVE it. and i'm pretty sure i'll join that club sometime over the next 80 days. pretty positive. until then i'll just keep riding the waves of anxiety, understanding all along that it's probably just my "lowering ability to cope."

and, of course, i'll anxiously await every 6:30am we have left. innocent and unsuspecting as he is, he continues to charm me, like no little man ever has.

Comments

[Lisa]

I think this is the sweetest post ever. it will mean so much to levi as he ages. I have not been blessed with a #2 yet but I know my #1 will be challenged too... I am the oldest, you are the oldest, so i think we both struggle with making them "the oldest". Levi is young and he'll bounce back so quick. Kyson is headed to 5 this year so I completely relate to how you're feeling. good luck and I know everything will work out for the best :)

[Brooke Gardner]

Candice-- I tried to e-mail you yesterday and it just came back. Did you change your e-mail? Let me know. --Brooke

[Jessie Miller]

I can't believe you still have so many days until your little Miss arrives!! You know how they say that everyone else's pregnancies fly by but your own seems to take forever?? Well, I feel like my own flew by and YOURS is taking forever!!!
I am excited for her to arrive!

[Brooke Gardner]

You are such a good writer. You made me think about things that I feel like maybe I am taking for granted. I am soooo excited to meet your baby girl!

[kristen]

wow...that brought back a lot of feelings for me!! :) i sort of felt a disconnect during my pregnancy with beau. i couldn't understand how i could possibly feel the same for this new baby as i did for lauren. and how could i share it? not to mention how much i hated being pregnant. soo...i was feeling some serious guilt.

BUT, once he was born...instant love connection. for all of us. actually it took a little longer for L to understand who that baby was :)

and i agree with crystal...there's nothing like seeing your kids love each other.

[crystal]

very sweet, very fun post. love, love the pics. you will just have another person to snuggle in the morning. and he gets what every oldest child wants most - someone to boss around!

everyday in our house the very happiest moment is when max comes home from school. elle is beyond thrilled to have her brother back. he really picks up on that and feeds on it. they spend the next hour or so totally content with eachother, hiding in his room.

few things are more fun than watching your kids become friends. no worries, this change is going to be great.

[jen]

loved every word.
i can SO remember those feelings. i remember laying in bed one night before brynley was born, sobbing that i tanner wasn't going to be my one and only.
and then she was born, and moved right into my heart :)

you are such a great mom.